I feel like I’m mad at him for not being Adam.

For not knowing exactly how to hold me to make the tears go away, or how I like my hair stroked when I’m upset, and how it’s not at all the same method as when I’m feeling amorous. He doesn’t know that I don’t like to be joked at when I’m sad, that it only makes me angry because sadness isn’t something I can take lightly, having dealt with it as long as I have and in such permanence. He doesn’t know yet that I cry for seemingly no reason, when I’ve held everything in for too long and something so tiny is enough to break the dam. (He doesn’t know he should feel honored that I can cry around him.)

But it isn’t fair.

I can’t be mad at him for any of those things, because he doesn’t know better yet. Because I can’t communicate clearly when I’m upset, for fear that too much will come out, or not enough…and I end up incoherent in the worst way.

I suppose the best thing would be to tell him.

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  1. lacklusterlovers posted this